Wildest Limousine Stories - Limo Confidential Monthly

This month's author -- "Driver Dan" -- worked as a chauffeur for about one year in a major U.S. city. These tales chronicle the highs and lows of that "glorious" occupation.

As a rookie chauffeur with a premier limousine company I was given the assignment of picking up a band backstage at a major arena. This rock starlet, in her mid twenties, came out looking pretty good. And while her band crunched into a fully loaded equipment van, she and her friend relaxed leisurely in the stretch sedan I was driving. As we pulled away from the Arena and approached the handful of straggler kids, I was told to ‘slow down but don’t stop.’ As I pulled closer to the kids the back window rolled down and I heard her say, ‘I love you guys’ which was then followed by ‘alright, let’s get the hell out of here.’

We turned onto a main street and as we picked up speed, from the backseat came the plea of ‘Stop! Stop the car’. I quickly pulled over, put on the flashers, jumped out and opened the doors to see what had happened to my client. Unable to see what was causing the commotion I frantically asked, ‘What’s wrong? What’s wrong?’ ‘There’s a bug in the car’. I asked why they didn’t kill it. They only said they didn’t hurt animals.

We continued on and the drudgery of minutes turned into hours as they wanted to party but couldn’t- it was a Sunday night and everything was closed. The band’s manager decided he’d find sushi somewhere and the band went back to their hotel to start pouring them back.

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With this being my introduction to the limo biz, I had the good fortune of having with me a veteran driver (he was driving the band in the equipment van). It was late and very muggy and my crony kept me amused with all the horror stories he’d encountered in his chauffeur ‘career’- how these celebrities would leave him sitting in one spot, sometimes for up to six or seven hours, while they had fun. And now here I was doing the same… As the last words of his gloomy tale left his now parched lips (there were many stories to recount), a girl with an extremely tight shirt brandishing the logo ‘I Love Roadies’ came wobbling around the corner (‘half drunk’ is optimistic). ‘Which one of you is driving the van? We forgot to tell you, uh, we don’t need the van anymore.’ Ouch. And just like that, once again, his self worth was beaten to a pulp. Welcome to the glamorous world of the chauffeur.

I was poised (stuck there) and ready to take our Headliner back to her hotel. At about 3am, she and her friend wobbled around the corner laughing at something which, let’s face it, when it’s that late and you’re that drunk, can never really be that funny. We got into the car and quickly thereafter I heard the sounds of heavy breathing emanating from the backseat.

‘What’s your name, Daddy? Oooh, I am sooo horny.’ She was a recent newlywed and, with her friend snickering beside her in the backseat, I wasn’t sure what to make of my new job. After more heavy breathing she started to mumble ‘This town is sooo cute.’ It ain’t that cute, but whatever I know I’m making you horny.

We pulled up to her hotel. As she exited the car I couldn’t help but ask, ‘Any baggage ladies?’ To which she replied, ‘None that we’re carrying. Hehe.’

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